hole in my heart

how do i write this, when i'm still trying to grasp the reality of what happened.
my father died unexpectedly and suddenly 2 days ago at age 65. he had a heart attack during a sprint run at the park, it was very hot and humid that day. he was an avid runner as long as i can remember, typically running 6 miles a day. he didn't smoke, drink alcohol or coffee. he wore a seat belt. he watched his weight. he was active with a strong work ethic and lived a simple life in the country. ironically, he was a certified EMT and Wilderness EMT- prepared to save other people's lives. if he had come across himself during that run, he would've known what to do. the how's and why's repeat over and over in my head. but there are no answers.

we were to visit him in 2 weeks time. i had just spoke to him on the phone 4 days ago, and asked what kind of cookies he'd like me to bring (chocolate chip). our trip is now happening 1 week sooner to attend his memorial service. i'll still bring the cookies as promised.

what i try to focus on is that he had a great quality of life up to the last second. there were no doctors, drugs, hospitals or long drawn out painful decline. he went out in a bang, doing what he loved... running in the great outdoors, under the sun and sky. he also loved to fly and held a pilots license. i know he is flying now, higher than ever before.
(photo taken at his house)
when i look up at the sky, i will think of my dad.


DollZandThingZ said...

Oh, dear, Peng Peng. There are really no words to ease this great loss.

Please accept my sympathies and a big hug. My father died suddenly from a heart attack, too. It is such a shock.

You have put it in the right perspective though. He was doing something he loved...and no doubt he knew he was loved by you and your family.

Sending you caring thoughts...

Kingfisher Farm said...

Pengy girl, I am so sorry. Words fail. Godspeed on your farewell journey. Hugs, P

Inge Vivianne Galli said...

Dearest Peng Peng,

I'm really short at words for your loss. I just wish I could give you the biggest hug ever now!

Kitty Vane said...

I'm so sorry. My condolences.

Laura~DancesWithTeddyBears said...

My heart hurts for you.
Hugs & love ♥

niknik said...

Соболезную! Держитесь!

becca jo said...

i'm crying as i read this....i am so sorry for your loss. having never met you in person, my heart is still broken for you. your words are a wonderful tribute....sending healing thoughts and support from a friend you've never met in MN.

Sigmosaics said...

I'm very saddened to read of your fathers passing. This will be a difficult time for you all - take some hugs from afar *hugs* and take care.

Such a beautifully written post for your dad.

Peng Peng said...

thank you all for the *hugs* and kind words, it helps a lot :)

Heather said...

I am so sorry :(

Melissa and Emmitt said...

oh pp
i am so sorry for your loss.
i am sending you huge hugs.
your post is beautiful and a wonderful tribute to him and everything he loved.
m & e

blaskd said...

So sorry to hear of your Dad's passing. Rick and I worked together for several years and, as I was growing up, he was the cool older cousin. He gave me my first microscope and we built radios and electronic kits together. I didn't see him much over the past few years but will miss him nevertheless. Love to you and your brother and the rest of the family.
Cousins David and Micky

Tracy said...

Oh, PP, I'm so sorry...
my father died at about the same age, but his was a long drawn-out affair, kidney failure some 20 years after his heart attack, which he had when only in his forties...I'm not sure which is worse, the sudden loss or the long, slow decline, but it sounds like you've found a good perspective.

thinking of you and wishing you well,


Karen said...

Dearest Peng Peng,
I am so sorry to hear of your father's passing. My heart goes out to you and your family. Your tribute to him his beautiful. I'm glad you know that he was happy doing what he loved to do.
Hugs to you...

Studio T i n s e l said...

Dear Pengy:


a m y

Ani said...

Dear Peng,
Mere words cannot offer much solace for the holes death of a loved one renders to our hearts. Your post was written from a heart that is true and understands the transience of our bodies but the permanence of the spirit. Best, Ani

theresa said...

oh PP, I have been away from blogs for so long and I stopped by to see what's up and came across this. So sorry! It's hard when we didn't even have a chance to say goodbye! It was simply his time, I guess. I used to think of Johnny being "up in the sky" too, sometimes too far away---now I think of him as being right beside me, and part of me actually. I don't have to look too far to feel the love.
Hugs to you!